How Time Really Does Change Everything

Long time, no see. Apologies for my long absence, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and then some nesting over the last while. My last months in Dublin and Europe were wonderful, sad, and unforgettable. Leaving to come back to Australia was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Arriving home was such a strange experience. I had forgotten so much about the country of my birth, especially how spectacularly bright the sun is here, after only one year. Seeing my family was wonderful, at first. Some of my friends were very excited to see me, and I them. Others were not as welcoming as I expected, and that made me kind of sad.

I'll tick off one major thing first. The Writer. I spent the first few months after I returned home thinking of him, talking of him, dreaming of him. I cried many times because I just couldn't believe that it was all finished, that I would never work with him again, that I might never see him again. We emailed back and forth for a little while. That ended fairly abruptly. I imagine that he finally realised how I felt about him, and decided that it was just not worth staying in contact. I can accept that, and think that it is probably better for me in the long run as well. Moving on would have been hard with monthly email updates from him drawing me right back in again. I've retained other fantastic friends from Dublin, and they occasionally see him. They tell me that he is happy, but looking forward to getting back to Ireland, that London is not working out so well for him, as predicted. I imagine that his time over there will help inspire his future writings in some way though, give them further depth. So that is, in fact, that. 

Coming home was a real turning-point for me. I had to make a decision- run away again or try to establish some roots. After many tear-filled discussions, my stepdad offered me the option to leave Sydney for London within three months after borrowing money from him, and never look back. I know this is what he wanted me to do, it is what he did when he came to Australia. But something bothered me about making this decision. The thought of spending any more time out of the profession that I had studied for six years to be a part of, and of leaving my friends and family behind again, terrified me. I already felt so disconnected, if I went away for another year or two it seemed impossible that I would ever get my old life back. So I thought long and hard. The first thing I knew, without question, was that I couldn't stay at home any longer. I love my mother, dearly, but she represents just about everything that I don't want to be, and never will be, and she is incredibly hard to live with. Even another three months there, with the prospect of flying off to London at the end of it, seemed unbearable. So I took a deep breath, and started to apply for jobs in Melbourne.
 
Why Melbourne, you ask? One of the big pull factors for me, apart from a comparative abundance of work, was the fact that my very best friend in the entire world had got engaged a month or so after I got home, and she lives there. I wanted to be close to her in the lead up to her wedding, it will be one of the most exciting years of her life, and I want to be a part of it. And Melbourne is not Sydney. I love Sydney, more than anything, but we have a torrid history. So much heartache and career disappointment lies in Sydney for me, and I just could not bear the thought of staying there. 

So, where am I now? After months of what bordered on depression, I got a job in Melbourne. A good job, working with great people. I found a lovely little apartment close to the city, where I live happily with no complaint. I feel like I can breathe again, for the first time in quite a while. I still think about The Writer from time to time, I don't know that that will ever completely stop, but it is not as frequent, and my chest no longer feels like there is a weight on it, which was the feeling I had every time I thought about him up until recently. 

Will I move to London? At this stage, no. But, having said that, you never know what the future may bring, and I am a big believer in following your gut instinct. My instincts told me that Melbourne was the right choice for me right now, and at this stage I think that those instincts were right. 

One more final tit-bit. I have met the most adorkable (definition: a dork who is also adorable) man. He works for the same organisation as me, but he is also a comedian. Let's call him Mr. Adorkable. He just happened to be in the same induction training as me, and knows one of my co-workers, who I'm quite good friends with. We've seen each other twice since, once at the work Christmas party, where I made a bit of a fool of myself (a story for another time), and once on the street when he called out to me and we had a nice little chat. It's nothing yet, aside from banter and emails, but I'm hoping it won't be nothing forever. It makes me smile just to think about him, and I haven't felt this giddy in a good while now. Crushes are so much fun. It might go nowhere, but that's ok, because if nothing else, Mr. Adorkable has made me realise that there are men out there, other than The Writer, who are good and decent and well worth crushing on. That's definitely something to smile about. 

With wishes for a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and looking to the future, yours,

B. J. Barnes

The Greatest Love Story (That Never Happened)

They met in the most mundane and unromantic of circumstance, starting temporary jobs that were neither here nor there, he to supplement his writing, she to fund her escapist year in Dublin. It was made clear from the outset, he was taken, and she begrudgingly accepted that. But a bond formed between them nonetheless. There was a likeness in personality, in views, in spirit, really. And even as they met others in the workplace, made other fast friends, it was still always the two of them, at the end of the day.

There was always a time limit to their working days together, he was bound for London, following the girl that he loved, and she was, of course, always going to go home at some point. But that day when they would need to say goodbye always seemed so far off, not real. 

Then, just like that, it was upon them. Floods of tears, on her part. On his, confusion- 'Why are you crying? We'll be together again soon enough, you're moving to London in 8 months time, this isn't over. You're my girl.' 'No, I'm not.' 'Yes, you are, of course you are, you're my girl.' 'But I'm not.' 'Ok, you're my work girl, now stop your crying, because we'll be together in London and we'll always be friends.'

He leaves. She goes home, desperately trying to forget him, telling herself it was all a dream on her part, it could never have been, there was nothing there, it was all in her head, he is in love with someone else, he'll marry her, that's all there is to it. Move on, meet someone else, somebody like him.

Eight months pass. The memory of him is starting to fade, but he's still always there, in the back of her mind, and the fact that she will again be in the same city as him soon has started to sink in. 

London's calling. She arrives, establishes herself, there are a few quiet pints together, with others, always with others, she doesn't trust herself to be alone with him. The connection is still there, but it is not as strong, not as obvious. It seems the time apart has done its job, it has dulled what once seemed likely to shine forever, the fire is almost out. 

Other men come and go, fun is had, none are the elusive 'One.' Time slides by, as it is wont to do, and he is but a very small part of her life. Until one night. 

She is home alone, it is raining, not the type of weather you want to be out in. Her telephone starts to ring. It is him. Odd, she thinks, maybe he is at a pub near my house. She answers. 'Come downstairs.' He hangs up. She makes her way down the stairs, and there he is, soaked to the bone. 'It's you. It's always been you. Please tell me that for you, it's me.'

It's the two of them now. Together. And it feels right. It feels natural, as if it was never any different, as if this was always the case, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Nothing can tear them apart. 

Except love, of course. You can't be with someone who is almost exactly the same as you. Who holds most of the same views, who shares that same passionate, argumentative, tempestuous nature. It leads to volatility and resentment. Even when you agree, you disagree. The love is strong, but hate is lurking not far below the surface. There's a fine line, and you cross it almost every other day. As he once said before anything ever happened 'Being around you is like walking in a minefield, you never know when something is going to set you off.' And she feels the same around him. It is like walking on a tightrope with absolutely no support. You want desperately to make it to the other side, it feels like it is a life or death situation, but sometimes it is easier to let yourself fall, to not finish it. 

This never happened. 

B. J. Barnes

Love, Lust, and Loss in The Emerald Isle

Since being here I've come to the following conclusions about myself and, more generally, life:

• One night stands are fun for a certain type of person. I am not that type of person. I need more than a physical connection. I've also found that they tend to be rather sad affairs, everybody has baggage, and this baggage becomes pretty evident during one nighters. It's amazing the things that come out of the mouths of men in these situations. I'm going back to my previous policy from now on, no one nighters (unless Henry Cavill begs me to sleep with him, but can only do one night, maybe then). Having said all of this, I wouldn't take any of the three back, they were learning experiences. They taught me I'm not cut out for them.
• Never allow yourself to fall in love with someone that you can't have. It will tear you to shreds, and you will be terribly sad for as long as that love lasts.
• Running away does not really solve all of life's bigger issues, but it is a hell of a lot of fun. Escapism is still a huge part of my personality, and I will stubbornly refuse to get my head out of books or the vivid imagination they have contributed to. I will live here forever, and hope for the best.
• Honesty is still the best policy. Always be upfront with people, mainly men, even when they're not willing to pay you the same courtesy. At the end of the day you come out the better person who didn't need to resort to games to get their own way.
• Assess what you really want from a romantic relationship and accept the fact that no one person will ever satisfy your every whim. That's why friends and family are so important, they fill in the gaps in your life. 
• Don't settle for less than what you feel you deserve, but be open to the fact that the person that might be perfect for you won't necessarily be the most obvious one. And this leads to always giving people a chance. 

In summary, Irish men and their strange habits of courtship have led me to a realisation of everything that I value most in life, and how important these values are. Thank you to the men of Ireland for being strange, exotic, handsome, confusing and confused, sentimental, self-deprecating, romantic in the worst possible way, and, most of all, great craic. You've shown me the value of difference, but also made me look on my own more fondly. I think I'm ready for an Australian man now, I hope that one is ready for me.

B. J. Barnes

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

The Writer leaves Dublin soon. And so do I. I am at a loss, I am not sure what I will do when I can't see him everyday, hear the now familiar rise and fall of his voice. I am still in love. I thought for a time there that I had managed to overcome it, but I haven't, not yet anyhow. I know that in time it will fade, as all loves, even great ones, do, and that one day I will look back on this fascination as a very specific, but ultimately inconsequential, moment in time. But, at this stage, it is still there, tearing at my heart a little with each hour that passes. 

I met her the other evening, for the first time. I was bitterly disappointed. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't her. He is so vibrant, and passionate, and, well, different. She is so nice, and normal, and dull. There was nothing that I could see that made it possible that he has chosen her, and only her, forever. I feel like the worst person for even thinking such things, but it was impossible not to think them. It made me want to scream at him 'Why not me? Well as me as another.' We are the same, this I know. And it does not take copious amounts of wine to identify this, I know he sees in me a kindred spirit. But he also sees what I try so hard to hide from everyone, a hopeless, pointless sense of something better to come, but the ever growing fear that it will never eventuate. This manifests itself in a questioning nature, a lack of contentment, sometimes a feeling of isolation. It is too much of a headfuck for him, and he would be too much of a headfuck for me. I think we would ultimately destroy each other, because it could probably never last for long. It would not be better to have loved and lost in this case. It is much better that I never loved, or fulfilled such love, at all. 

So, where does this leave me? This leaves me in the unsavoury position of having to pretend like nothing ever happened. That I never met him, that I never loved him. But that is impossible. He is text inexorably printed on my soul, like a favourite book that broke your heart, but whose words will haunt you forever. 

He is for London, and I am for Sydney. At least for the moment. I will return to Europe, and most probably live in London, most likely at the same time he lives there. But will I see him? I don't think I should. It is too dangerous. I am too old for this painful, ridiculous, sorrowful longing. I'm not a teenager prone to flights of whimsy anymore, and I should behave accordingly. 

This was a moment, that is all it was. 

B. J. Barnes

A Very Animated Evening

So, I met someone on Saturday night. And he was lovely. He is lovely. Lovely enough that I felt inspired to write about him. Probably because I've had such incredibly bad luck over here when it comes to all things man related, he really was a breath of fresh air. But first of all, a recap of all of the shit I've been through since being in this fair country:

• First guy I met over here, let's call him Mr. Zodiac. We meet on a very drunken night out. He follows me around all night. We kiss. He follows me all the way to a cab to my house. I'm very shocked when I turn to find him getting out too, but can't be bothered arguing. Turns out it was well worth the inconvenience, even if he was not my traditional type. We have a few dates, a lot of epic 'tea,' and then, out of the blue, nothing. I didn't bother chasing him. Six months later I receive a text. We start something up again, see each other for a month or so, then, bang, 'Sorry, I'm getting back together with my ex' (who, incidentally, unless he cheated on her with me, he couldn't have been with for more than six months). Rage. 
• Second guy I met over here, Mr. Dishy. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, in a way that only an Irish man can be. Snogtastic date (best kisser ever, sadly enough). Then, nothing. Rage.
• Third guy I met, Sad Sack. Nice looking youngish guy, completely down on himself and the world. Didn't hear from him again. Indifference.
• Fourth guy, the Non-Starter. I've touched on this one previously. Two months of dates and Darcy gentlemanly manners. No sex. None. Not a chance in hell of getting it to work. Insecurity.
• Fifth guy. Dell Dealer. Possibly the funniest of my tales. Met him on the side of the road when trudging home from the pub in the first snow, very romantic etc. The next weekend he invites himself over for 'tea.' Again, it's like getting blood from a stone over here, so I acquiesced. He arrives, and pushes me into my room whilst the kettle is boiling (note to all female travellers- in Ireland tea means sex). I turn for a minute to close the curtains and when I turn back his pants are off. He jumps on me, I'm still fully dressed at this stage. After making out for a few minutes he leaps off me and declares that he can't do this, he has a girlfriend. He then proceeds to ask me for relationship advice, professes his undying love for his lucky lady, and then offers me a Dell, seeing as he works for them, in return for my silence should I ever see him on the street with her. I didn't take the computer. I should have. Dell Dealer proceeded to contact me twice more in the coming fortnight, trying to get back inside. It didn't happen. Mild amusement. 
• The sixth guy. Pharmacist (more affectionately known as Crazytown). I met him when I had just started seeing Mr. Zodiac again, but he was far too cute to pass up. The morning after he offers me a cocktail of drugs, including Valium. I take a painkiller for my splitting hangover headache, thinking it will be sort of like Panadol, and am later informed by Crazytown that it is pretty strong and that I would probably feel a bit 'mong' for the rest of the day. Mong was the right word, I was out of it, even eight hours later when Mr. Zodiac arrived for an afternoon tea date. 

I picked Mr. Zodiac over Crazytown, thinking it would be the more sensible, reliable choice. Bad idea. When that went balls up I decided to go on a Man Ban. The rules of the Man Ban are simple enough. Don't pursue men. If they come to you and you're interested, you don't have to say no, but you're not allowed to participate in the chase.

Which brings me to Saturday, and The Animator. I met him in Coppers, the scene of many a crime. Coppers is the late club you go to if you're looking to 'shift' and get a 'ride.' I did both of these things on Saturday. I noticed the group The Animator belonged to first of all because they were all exceptionally tall for Irish men, and secondly because his friend, Dr. Nick, was amazingly, excruciatingly good looking. Dr. Nick was taken, and The Animator, also a very nice looking boy, was chatting away to me. Suddenly he literally jumped forward about fifty centimetres to kiss me. It was a shock, but a very nice one! I ended up going home with him (again, blood from a stone), and he was talking a whole lot of crap in the cab:

TA- That's the building I work in. We're having a work party there next weekend. I'm going to take you. (Silence)

TA- Would you rather settle in Dublin or Sydney?

BJB- I don't really have a choice

TA- Yeah, but if you did have the choice?

TA- Please tell me you don't have a boyfriend

BJB- Of course I don't, do you have girlfriend?

TA- I don't, but I'm working on it

If these were lines, very cute. But he really didn't need lines, he already had me. This was definitely the best experience with a guy that I've had since I've been in Ireland. He was sweet, attentive, and funny, and he restored my faith in Irish men. He has my number, so I guess it's just a waiting game now. I'm hoping he'll contact me, but even if he doesn't, it's a nice way to end things before I start my Man Ban.

Did I mention that he was also an artist? Sexual fantasy box ticked. 

Happily yours,

B. J. Barnes

Itching For A Fight

So, this is partially about how it was I came to be here in Ireland, but more generally about what I want and need at this time in my life. At the end of 2008 I was on a sojourn in Melbourne to visit my very best friend. We were at a bar that we frequent, mainly due to its large proportion of travellers (ie. men with gorgeous accents), and whilst there I met a young gentleman called Danny (a very bad name for me). He was, unfortunately, not foreign, but, as luck would have it, he was from Sydney. We got along quite well and he took my number and contacted me upon my return to the harbour city. Some dates occurred, lovely, wonderful dates, and I thought that it might be going somewhere. It wasn't. He ended up doing the normal guy thing, avoiding me when he felt things were getting too much like a relationship, and I was devastated. Not so much because of him personally, but just generally. Too many men had done this to me, and I was at my wit's end. I was also in a very bad place with my ex-boyfriend/best friend/worst enemy. He had just left to go to Argentina for six months, having given me one week's notice of this. We were still on and off at this stage (he was like an addiction that I just couldn't shake), and I was slightly heartbroken that he didn't feel that he should share this fairly important information with me. I ended up making the journey back to my parents' house after work that day, and collapsing in a fit of tears at the top of the stairs. My parents were due to fly to Dublin in a month's time to visit my stepdad's family, and my mum immediately decided that the best thing for me at that point was to travel. So I found myself the next month flying into Dublin and, well, the rest, as they say, is history.

The bigger point of this story regards a story this young man called Danny told me. We got to talking one night about our exes and he told me all about his cheerleader ex girlfriend. They had broken up about a year previously, but it was clear he was still somewhat hung up on her (not that I could talk). He told me that after she ended it with him, he was heartbroken and ended up coming over to Europe for a few months with one of his brothers in an attempt to move on. It didn't work, and he told me how he would call her everyday from phone booths all over Europe. One of the stories he told me was about how he left the hostel at 2am to search for a phone booth because he knew she would be available to take his call at that time. He found one, after almost getting mugged, and she kept hanging up on him, but he kept calling. This might sound stalkerish to some, but to me, this is hopelessly, terribly, heartbreakingly romantic. 

And it brings me to this. What I want, more than anything in the world, is a man that will fight for me. That won't let go, no matter what I throw at him. Who could be in some of Europe's most beautiful, amazing cities, but who can't keep his mind off me. Once upon a time I didn't think it was that much to ask. I've watched guys that I've known uproot themselves entirely for the love of a woman. I always thought that when someone loves you, they would do anything at all. But, as I've grown older, I've realised that's not true. Someone can love you, but not be brave enough to risk it all. I want someone who is willing to take a risk for me, because I think that I'm worth a risk. However, I'm now at a point where I don't necessarily believe that this is going to happen. Or that anything is going to happen. Most guys my age or close to it are either in relationships, or not worth having. It is a depressing state of affairs really. I'll hold out hope though, it's all you can do at the end of the day. 

B. J. Barnes