Long time, no see. Apologies for my long absence, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and then some nesting over the last while. My last months in Dublin and Europe were wonderful, sad, and unforgettable. Leaving to come back to Australia was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Arriving home was such a strange experience. I had forgotten so much about the country of my birth, especially how spectacularly bright the sun is here, after only one year. Seeing my family was wonderful, at first. Some of my friends were very excited to see me, and I them. Others were not as welcoming as I expected, and that made me kind of sad.
I'll tick off one major thing first. The Writer. I spent the first few months after I returned home thinking of him, talking of him, dreaming of him. I cried many times because I just couldn't believe that it was all finished, that I would never work with him again, that I might never see him again. We emailed back and forth for a little while. That ended fairly abruptly. I imagine that he finally realised how I felt about him, and decided that it was just not worth staying in contact. I can accept that, and think that it is probably better for me in the long run as well. Moving on would have been hard with monthly email updates from him drawing me right back in again. I've retained other fantastic friends from Dublin, and they occasionally see him. They tell me that he is happy, but looking forward to getting back to Ireland, that London is not working out so well for him, as predicted. I imagine that his time over there will help inspire his future writings in some way though, give them further depth. So that is, in fact, that.
Coming home was a real turning-point for me. I had to make a decision- run away again or try to establish some roots. After many tear-filled discussions, my stepdad offered me the option to leave Sydney for London within three months after borrowing money from him, and never look back. I know this is what he wanted me to do, it is what he did when he came to Australia. But something bothered me about making this decision. The thought of spending any more time out of the profession that I had studied for six years to be a part of, and of leaving my friends and family behind again, terrified me. I already felt so disconnected, if I went away for another year or two it seemed impossible that I would ever get my old life back. So I thought long and hard. The first thing I knew, without question, was that I couldn't stay at home any longer. I love my mother, dearly, but she represents just about everything that I don't want to be, and never will be, and she is incredibly hard to live with. Even another three months there, with the prospect of flying off to London at the end of it, seemed unbearable. So I took a deep breath, and started to apply for jobs in Melbourne.
Why Melbourne, you ask? One of the big pull factors for me, apart from a comparative abundance of work, was the fact that my very best friend in the entire world had got engaged a month or so after I got home, and she lives there. I wanted to be close to her in the lead up to her wedding, it will be one of the most exciting years of her life, and I want to be a part of it. And Melbourne is not Sydney. I love Sydney, more than anything, but we have a torrid history. So much heartache and career disappointment lies in Sydney for me, and I just could not bear the thought of staying there.
So, where am I now? After months of what bordered on depression, I got a job in Melbourne. A good job, working with great people. I found a lovely little apartment close to the city, where I live happily with no complaint. I feel like I can breathe again, for the first time in quite a while. I still think about The Writer from time to time, I don't know that that will ever completely stop, but it is not as frequent, and my chest no longer feels like there is a weight on it, which was the feeling I had every time I thought about him up until recently.
Will I move to London? At this stage, no. But, having said that, you never know what the future may bring, and I am a big believer in following your gut instinct. My instincts told me that Melbourne was the right choice for me right now, and at this stage I think that those instincts were right.
One more final tit-bit. I have met the most adorkable (definition: a dork who is also adorable) man. He works for the same organisation as me, but he is also a comedian. Let's call him Mr. Adorkable. He just happened to be in the same induction training as me, and knows one of my co-workers, who I'm quite good friends with. We've seen each other twice since, once at the work Christmas party, where I made a bit of a fool of myself (a story for another time), and once on the street when he called out to me and we had a nice little chat. It's nothing yet, aside from banter and emails, but I'm hoping it won't be nothing forever. It makes me smile just to think about him, and I haven't felt this giddy in a good while now. Crushes are so much fun. It might go nowhere, but that's ok, because if nothing else, Mr. Adorkable has made me realise that there are men out there, other than The Writer, who are good and decent and well worth crushing on. That's definitely something to smile about.
With wishes for a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and looking to the future, yours,
B. J. Barnes
I'll tick off one major thing first. The Writer. I spent the first few months after I returned home thinking of him, talking of him, dreaming of him. I cried many times because I just couldn't believe that it was all finished, that I would never work with him again, that I might never see him again. We emailed back and forth for a little while. That ended fairly abruptly. I imagine that he finally realised how I felt about him, and decided that it was just not worth staying in contact. I can accept that, and think that it is probably better for me in the long run as well. Moving on would have been hard with monthly email updates from him drawing me right back in again. I've retained other fantastic friends from Dublin, and they occasionally see him. They tell me that he is happy, but looking forward to getting back to Ireland, that London is not working out so well for him, as predicted. I imagine that his time over there will help inspire his future writings in some way though, give them further depth. So that is, in fact, that.
Coming home was a real turning-point for me. I had to make a decision- run away again or try to establish some roots. After many tear-filled discussions, my stepdad offered me the option to leave Sydney for London within three months after borrowing money from him, and never look back. I know this is what he wanted me to do, it is what he did when he came to Australia. But something bothered me about making this decision. The thought of spending any more time out of the profession that I had studied for six years to be a part of, and of leaving my friends and family behind again, terrified me. I already felt so disconnected, if I went away for another year or two it seemed impossible that I would ever get my old life back. So I thought long and hard. The first thing I knew, without question, was that I couldn't stay at home any longer. I love my mother, dearly, but she represents just about everything that I don't want to be, and never will be, and she is incredibly hard to live with. Even another three months there, with the prospect of flying off to London at the end of it, seemed unbearable. So I took a deep breath, and started to apply for jobs in Melbourne.
Why Melbourne, you ask? One of the big pull factors for me, apart from a comparative abundance of work, was the fact that my very best friend in the entire world had got engaged a month or so after I got home, and she lives there. I wanted to be close to her in the lead up to her wedding, it will be one of the most exciting years of her life, and I want to be a part of it. And Melbourne is not Sydney. I love Sydney, more than anything, but we have a torrid history. So much heartache and career disappointment lies in Sydney for me, and I just could not bear the thought of staying there.
So, where am I now? After months of what bordered on depression, I got a job in Melbourne. A good job, working with great people. I found a lovely little apartment close to the city, where I live happily with no complaint. I feel like I can breathe again, for the first time in quite a while. I still think about The Writer from time to time, I don't know that that will ever completely stop, but it is not as frequent, and my chest no longer feels like there is a weight on it, which was the feeling I had every time I thought about him up until recently.
Will I move to London? At this stage, no. But, having said that, you never know what the future may bring, and I am a big believer in following your gut instinct. My instincts told me that Melbourne was the right choice for me right now, and at this stage I think that those instincts were right.
One more final tit-bit. I have met the most adorkable (definition: a dork who is also adorable) man. He works for the same organisation as me, but he is also a comedian. Let's call him Mr. Adorkable. He just happened to be in the same induction training as me, and knows one of my co-workers, who I'm quite good friends with. We've seen each other twice since, once at the work Christmas party, where I made a bit of a fool of myself (a story for another time), and once on the street when he called out to me and we had a nice little chat. It's nothing yet, aside from banter and emails, but I'm hoping it won't be nothing forever. It makes me smile just to think about him, and I haven't felt this giddy in a good while now. Crushes are so much fun. It might go nowhere, but that's ok, because if nothing else, Mr. Adorkable has made me realise that there are men out there, other than The Writer, who are good and decent and well worth crushing on. That's definitely something to smile about.
With wishes for a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and looking to the future, yours,
B. J. Barnes
