Sex, Drugs and Sausage Roll

I ventured over the sea to jolly old England, Derby, to be more precise, and was delighted to see a charming man wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the above slogan. I would have asked him to marry me on the spot, but suspect that he would be happier with a woman as committed to pastry-encased meat products as he clearly is.

I was in England for the Download Festival in Donington, and, more specifically for the absolute gods of rock, AC/DC. I was staying in Derby (weird place, more later), and in order to get to the festival I had to catch a shuttle bus. I was sitting on the shuttle bus, waiting for the last rockers (mainly older, I'll point out) to board, and through the window noticed a rather tall, rather handsome, rather well-dressed man in the line. I put all my energy into mentally deterring all of the people in front of him from taking the seat next to me, and then focused on him, and to my delight, it worked, he sat down next to me. Then it was just a matter of thinking of something to say that did not sound completely weird. I eventually settled for asking how long it took to get to the festival. We then embarked on a great conversation and I fell a tiny, incy bit in love with, let's call him Ted, from Manchester. We parted upon reaching the festival as I had to pick up my ticket and he had to meet his friends, much to my disappointment.

AC/DC absolutely rocked their way right into the number one spot of desert-island, all-time best concerts ever. I spent the concert with some random Scots (fitting, I thought, Australia and Scotland coming together for AC/DC), and had an absolutely brilliant night. I lost my voice and ended up with a cold, but it was all worth it, because I've never seen such a spectacle, never been so entertained, never been in an atmosphere quite so electric. 

The night didn't end with the fireworks which heralded the conclusion of the concert. Getting a little bit lost, I ended up in the wrong part of the arena and had to backtrack to find the carpark where the shuttle bus departed to return me to Derby. I lined up for what felt like hours and eventually boarded the bus. I made my way up the stairs (weird for me, as I don't usually go to the top floor of the double deckers) and as I reached the top who should be there but Ted from Manchester! Fate? I think so. We went on to quite possibly the weirdest pub I have ever been to (and I'm from Australia, so that's saying something!). Ted, his friends, Taz and Cooper, and I spent a lot of time open-mouthed in astonishment at this establishment. We were lured in by the disco ball, the Meatloaf song playing, and the complete lack of patrons. Once safely seated with our drinks, served by a couple of young men who I suspect might have been, well, I hate to say it but it is unavoidable, inbred, we were shocked to see three women dancing in the middle of the abysmally empty bar. They danced for about five minutes and then disappeared. We later saw one of them behind the bar with the deep-south brothers, and formed the opinion that they worked at the bar and were used as bait to lure unsuspecting men inside. It worked (sort of), in that a number of stragglers from the concert made their way into the bar (this may also have been because it was the only place open that was close to the shuttle bus drop off point). The night was one of the most bizarre I have ever experienced, and the bar resembled a weird scene out of the Mighty Boosh, we even decided that the Crack Fox wouldn't have been out of place there (as an aside I found out that one of Taz's ex-girlfriends had slept with Noel Fielding and got incredibly excited). 

After Ted, Taz and Cooper walked me to a cab, Cooper got my details so that they could add me on that most brilliant of stalking-networking tools, facebook, and Ted drunkenly slurred (several times) that I should come to Manchester to visit, I wasn't really expecting to hear from them again. I thought that it was a weird, fated, tangled night, and that no ongoing contact would result. Imagine my delight when Taz (a rather tall, rather handsome, rather well-dressed man himself) added me. And then Cooper, and then Ted. Brilliant. 

Slightly in love with some Manchester lads,

B. J. Barnes