I've been thinking a lot about fate of late, and wondering where this life is taking me. I have always believed in the concept of "The One," which I know is pointlessly romantic, but I am a pointless romantic. I have not had any experience in my life (or even really witnessed it in anyone else's life) that should lead me to hold out hope for romance on any grand scale. But still, I cling to this idea, because there is something in me that wants to believe, that can't let go of this ridiculously foolish notion.
What if you meet "The One," but the timing is wrong? What if they're already with somebody else? What if you feel irresistably drawn to them, and can't help but feel that in some small way, they're drawn to you too, but nothing can ever happen because of circumstance?
I think that this might be what is happening to me right now. I think that I am genuinely in love with this man that I work with, let's call him The Writer. I have never felt this pull towards someone before. Sure, I've been physically drawn to people before, sometimes to detrimental effect, but this is not that. He is gorgeous, of that there can be no doubt. But it is not just his face, or his smile, or his stature. It is him. Just him. My heart skips a beat everytime he looks at me, I can barely breathe when he touches me, and this happens a lot, so I am suffering from breathlessness and heart palpitations on a fairly regular basis. I didn't know that it was possible to feel this way. I have been in love before, but this is different. Every other time love has struck me, I have still always felt uneasy, uncomfortable, like something bad was just around the corner. I can see that this attitude of never quite allowing myself to be comfortable or content in a relationship caused a lot of instability in the past. But this situation now, I have never felt more comfortable with a man, he is such a good friend, and puts me at ease instantly. Which makes it so much harder.
I guess my question is this- last time I was here, as discussed previously, I felt inexplicably drawn to this city, this country, this place. I could not put my finger on why, I just knew I needed to come back here. Is he the reason I was meant to be here? I know that I sound like a legitimate crazy person, but I can't help but feel that he is. Which brings me back, is he really "The One," but unavailable, probably forever? Or is he just someone that I have idealised and put onto a pillar for no apparent reason, other than that he is one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure to encounter?
I feel a bit like circumstances have led me to here. We both started work on the same day, and I don't think that I will ever forget looking up and seeing him give me his cheeky half grin, a look I am distressingly familiar with now. I had the opportunity, a week after starting this current job, to take another position that could have led to me being sponsored and being able to stay on here in Ireland, but I said no. And I can't explain that. I have no words for it. Because it would have been exactly what I need and want. But there was something stopping me. And I can't help but think it has something to do with this, without me knowing it at the time.
I may be reading too much into the situation at hand, but I can FEEL it! In my bones, in the very core of my being. And I could feel it last time I was here. I don't know if this is what my life has been leading up to, and I hope that it is not, because if I am right, and he is the reason I came here, but we can never be together because of circumstance, I think that my faith would be lost. The romance in me might dwindle, and eventually die away. And that would be a crying shame. Because everybody needs to hold on to a little bit of romance, a little bit of magic. It is what makes life worth living.
Hoping to Let The Right One In,