Sigh. Unrequited love. It's a bitch. Especially when you're single, and they're not, and when you know that they are very unlikely to be single ever again, and that you are likely to be single forever. Again, sigh.
I've been mad about someone who wasn't so mad in return once before. But when this madness was in full swing I was in a long-term relationship with someone else, and it was more a case of 'the grass is greener' (it was much greener, think lush rolling green fields compared to a barren desert with the occasional tumbleweed). It is much easier to love someone else from afar when you're relatively secure in a relationship, and they're also taken, because it is just a little fantasy you revert to when times are bad in your own relationship, it's not something that consumes you. In hindsight I know that I was thinking about my ex whilst in another relationship because I was idealising him and the brief relationship we had. I felt like circumstances had ruined our chance, but that we were actually meant to be together, and that one day he would break up with his (horrid) girlfriend and come running to me, giving me a golden opportunity to escape the dead-end relationship I was trapped in. I thought that we would rule the country together, that he would go far in politics and that I would be right there beside him, urging him on, that we would have a family and be happy and successful and perfect. I knew that this was madness, but it was a form of escapism, and I'm a sucker for that. I'm a romantic escapist, a very dangerous combination. But I'm also capable of being rather pragmatic, and I know that the reality was that I just didn't get enough closure with Chinchilla to properly move on, and that if we had stayed together or got back together at a later stage chances are it wouldn't have worked, because there were aspects of his personality (particularly his propensity to bitch relentlessly about people behind their backs but be their besties when face to face) that would have irked me, and vice versa. This wasn't some magical, fated relationship (even if our first kiss was at a ball and we walked the city streets afterwards and kissed on a park bench whilst wearing our finery). Not to him anyway. It was just a brief, largely meaningless mistake he made with a girl who to that point had been his friend. I still think about him sometimes, but I know that it is foolish of me to do so, because he's not the one and I need to accept that.
But if all of this sounds bad, it is nothing compared to my current predicament. I've been working in a temporary job for the last few months and I am madly, completely, I-am-literally-going-slightly-insane, in love with one of my co-workers. He is loveliness personified. But, of course, of course, OF COURSE, he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that he lives with. A girlfriend that he is moving countries for next year. A girlfriend that he loves more than anything. A girlfriend that one day will be his wife and a mother to his children. And I wish it was me. More than anything, I wish I could go home to him at the end of the day, and see him smile, and be with him. It is heartbreaking and ridiculous and creepy, but it is how I feel. It is like someone took everything that I could ever dream of and made a man. Sweet, smart, good-looking, funny, and just the perfect amount of nerdy to make it a decent match. I'm going all Bridget Jones on myself, but I can't help it, if you met him you would understand. It's impossible to be around this guy and not fall a little bit in love with him. Harumph.
In short, I need to meet someone, even if only for a brief fling, incredibly soon, or I am going to lose my mind, as well as my heart.
Your Creeper,
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